Dear Bully: A different kind of love letter

Dear Bully,

I am guessing you aren't aware of how much we discuss you in our home. See, as my son's Mom, I hold my breath all day long waiting to hear the stories that will come home about you. We talk at length about what you said or what you did and how that made my son feel. We watch him cry as he retells them and inside I feel like I might have my own 2 year old tantrum.

But I am older so once I take a few deep breaths and tend to the feelings of my son, I turn my attention to you. I bring you in close in my mind and I dare to ask what is your experience in this life? Where do you hear the things you say to my son? Who is taking away your power so you feel the heavy burden to go out and claim it from others? What makes you so angry that you seek first to bring others down vs. finding common ground? Compassion comes over me because I too have felt those things. I too can identify with taking things out on others and not feeling good about it. And I know you are good.

But then my son comes home again, distraught. He worked so hard practicing the words we gave him. He practiced with his brothers, and his Dad and the mirror. And guess what, they didn't work. You are one step ahead of him each time. We are back to square one. With all the conversations and discussions and understanding we don't seem to be making any progress. See, we are fed up with you bully. Our compassion is running low and you are starting to feel like the enemy standing in the way of our son's happiness. I want to be the heroine and slay the dragon except the dragon is a super cute, smart and (when he wants to be) kind boy. I on the other hand am a 41 year old human development junkie and parenting coach who should have better skills or at the least some perspective.

So tonight I share with the husband my dragon slayer thoughts and my low thoughts of your parents and you. Because I know them not to be true and my husband will hold these secrets safe as he too knows they are not true. They merely come from that place in all parents-- the place that would have us do just about anything to spare our child misery or heartache.

Now I am on the rollercoaster again and I feel gratitude for you. Thank you bully for teaching my son to find his voice. In his short life thus far he has had a hard time finding it. He wants harmony and he wants peace and at times he will sacrifice his own needs for it. And as much as I ask him to speak up or encourage him or even demand it...he hasn't been ready. But man oh man, bully! You are inviting my son to go deep to find it. You have sent us on a journey deep into his soul and guess what? HE IS FINDING HIS VOICE. We are debating and discussing what boundaries and kindness have to do with one another and what it means to say no and respect yourself. He even wanted to talk about what it means to his definition of being a kind person if he has to physically protect himself.

So for now you are safe. I will put my sword away and continue the journey of learning for all of us.